[Note: This blog topic may be of targeted interest mostly to Alcoholism and Drug Abuse Counselors and to those in recovery from addiction. Probably of little interest to others. Earlier blogs have covered Dreamtime and Steps 1-5, Dreams and the “Forgotten Steps,” 6 and 7 of the twelve step programs, and this one breaks out dreams and amends, or steps 8 and 9 from the Anonymous Programs literature. The “Spiral Staircase” metaphor simply is shorthand for saying that some people encounter similar issues year to year, hopefully on a higher level each time.]
Dreamtime and Making Amends
It’s not just people with an addiction that alienate others. After all, not all the cast of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills are addicts, but most of them regularly upset other people, sometimes on purpose. You could substitute “Jersey Shore,” or “Devious Maids,” or as a family member calls it, the “Real-Housewives-of-Shoot-me-in-the-Face.” The point is that some of those folks who go around life living the drama that is their own Stardom don’t feel like their life depends on setting the record straight with anyone. In fact, they sometimes get mileage out of frenemies.
Not so, generally, with those in recovery. Maintaining recovery from addictive behavior often means acting in the opposite direction of impulse. The key – which shows up in dreams and many other ways, is forgiveness. There exists a misconception that addicts in this phase go around asking for forgiveness of others so that they do not have to make changes themselves. We actually call that part of the cycle of active addiction. Recovery programs emphasize the opposite: “The same man will drink again,” is often heard in Alcoholics anonymous and in the NA or Narcotics Anonymous counterpart runs the phrase, “An addict alone is in bad company.” And my favorite adage, “Resentment is the poison we drink wishing the other person would die.” So the theme is before trying to set right the wrongs of the past, someone in recovery has to do the hard work of forgiving any of the perceived wrongs that may have justified their own behavior in the past.
The innate need for connection, forgiveness, and reconciliation sometimes enters our sleep. This may mean the dream re-invents the original [perceived] hurt and humiliation of the past in an effort to work through it. Step Eight in the anonymous programs has to do with a principle of forgiveness – sometimes for people who may not seem on the surface very deserving of mercy. Letting go of the original hurt, humiliation, embarrassment, or anger seems like letting the other person off the hook. But the relief in the forgiveness is for the forgiver. CASE EXAMPLE: The back-in-high-school-need-to-take-a-test dream. This is often attributed to stress; sometimes there may be a reason someone dreams of this at a particular time when stress or a deadline does not appear to be the easy answer. Who is in the dream with you? In the school, what were your feelings about being there? If you did have feelings of being out of place, put down, or shunned, did you get even? Did you hold resentments against the “Mean Girls,” the jocks, the elite, or other groups? Are there people today who, despite advanced years, still operate in that realm, and toward whom you hold resentment and sometimes undermine? It’s worth an inward look.
Then there are the people for whom we do not have to search out the need for apology. I have heard of people with 400 or more people on their 4th step resentment/ 8th step amends list. (They are identical, because people in the anonymous programs often admit if they feel injured, they retaliate.) My list was more modest: 34 people and 3 corporations. Should have been at least 6 corporations, but that is another blog . . . . My list was smaller perhaps because my sponsor said the purpose of the 8th step was to identify the people we had harmed– with emphasis on that word – not just people we had offended or grossed out. My list can be divided into three sections: (1) Friends and family generally supportive and who just wanted me to recover and stop hurting them or others; (2) more marginal or skeptical acquaintances for whom a sincere apology was in order, sometimes accompanied by a check. And (3), the two people I figured for whom the best amends I could make was never to set foot in their presence again. Ironically, step work put one of those people back in my life in an uncanny way about four years later, so never is a strong word. There is still one person to whom I owe an amends, yet even through stalking laws were not present all those years ago, let’s just say I don’t need to throw a current order of protection into anyone’s mix. I’ll continue to pray that the Central Intelligence of the Universe pass on my well wishes and sincere regrets there.
Regarding those people in the third category, I still dream on occasion about the one I have not seen or spoken to in over three decades. Sometimes the dreams are pleasant, sometimes not, and generally they are not momentous or “Big Dreams,” but always they seem to have a backdrop of things that remain to be worked out. It makes me question my readiness to make things right in that situation, to start anew. I have also experienced as have others, “rehearsal dreams” in which I was making amends to a particular person before the event. But having made 33 out of 34 amends is a decent average, and on most days, I am grateful that I can walk down the streets where I live and not be anxious about who might be around that next corner, and what my reaction would be. The 9th step, even though it is feared and resisted by many, carries with it some of the sweetest rewards of recovery.
An earlier posting covered the relationship between dreams and the first 5 steps of the Anonymous programs. For readers who work with clients in recovery, this post addresses the “forgotten” steps, 6 & 7, about which very little is said in the original 12 step recovery literature. It is not surprising that as the book Alcoholics Anonymous was published with the most senior members of the fellowship being sober only four years, and no more than ten members with two years clean or more, that there was limited experience in the fellowship about how elements of the shadow emerge over years of recovery. So there is no surprise if people get better at the rate of a step a year, there were just two paragraphs on steps six and seven in the original edition (1939). So here’s a long post on a short subject . . .
It has been said that “No matter what step someone is actually working on, people in recovery get better at the rate of a step a year.” If that’s true, it would be clients in advanced recovery, their second five years, where we see dreamwork active in these areas. Yet clients with substantially less time seem to experience dream content around the principles behind these for steps: Willingness & Humility.
When treatment programs proliferated in the 1980s (after new insurance coverage and before the onset of managed care,) many treatment programs operated a 30 day program taking clients through the first five steps. They left off at the nebulous step six, which is described in a single paragraph of the original 12 step textbook but which someone could spend a lifetime working: “Became entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character.” This refers of course to the less desirable qualities dredged up in the steps related to admitting a problem and committing a written introspection shared verbally with another recovering person. When I think of steps six and seven, I think of instincts, often survivor skills, that worked at one time and no longer work for the person in recovery.
One client who struggled with authority – for good reason early on – could not outgrow this shortcoming later in life. She had a dream of running from the police, and “I had a garden I had planted and someone wanted me to do something different with it but I was very stubborn about it.” She was actually in relapse for about a month before she admitted her stealing and drug using to staff in her continuing care environment. She recreated some months later the struggle with authority represented as an instinctual exercise of her will against authority.
Instincts and Mediation
That’s “Mediation,” not “Meditation,” and certainly not “Medication.” However, meditation is an artful balance toward the instincts that seem to be at the heart of steps six and seven, and these days many people in recovery are on medications they rightfully need and should not abruptly stop without physician advice. What we are talking about here is “mediation” of the instincts, the “mediator” often being an observer consciousness in the dreamtime. That sounds complicated, but what it really says is that sometimes a dream figure can help us not damage others by instincts flowing unfiltered into our actions. In fact, Sigmund Freud so based his dreamwork on sex drives, and made a bulwark of it, that it took half a century for psychiatry and psychology to look at anything else. John Barth, inspired at rebellion in his novel, End of the Road, wrote quite a humorous riff on this dynamic, if Freud were correct, then:
this one simple yen of humankind, poor little coitus, alone gives rise to cities and monasteries, paragraphs and poems, foot races and battle tactics, metaphysics and hydroponics, trade unions and universities? Who would not delight in telling some extragalactic tourist, “On our planet, sir, males and females copulate. Moreover, they enjoy copulating. But for various reasons they cannot do this whenever, wherever, and with whomever they choose. Hence all this running around that you observe. Hence the world?” A therapeutic notion!
While sex without restraint is ultimately the undoing of the characters in Barth’s novel, most people in recovery have a wider range of impulses to navigate or to mediate. Sex and aggression, sure, are present. Several clients lately, well beyond the fourth and fifth steps, have had dreams involving a devil or the devil – and not always as an adversary. Shelley Marshall, in her book, Your Dream of Recovery” relates a 6th step dream of a client dancing with the devil. To some degree, every human has to dance with the devil of instinct – when cut off by a driver in traffic – when attracted to someone, when tempted to overindulge. These are examples of what step 6 in the recovery literature of Alcoholics Anonymous refers to in this way: “At this point in our development, we are under heavy coercion to do the right thing. We have to choose between the pains of trying and the certain penalties of a failure to do so.” (12 and 12, page 76).
What connects Shadow Work and these steps?
First, the Shadow can be explained as repressed material that unconsciously affects our decisions, moods, and relationships. Robert Bly calls it “The long bag we drag behind us.” Connie Zweig, Editor of the Tarcher Putnam book “Meeting the Shadow, and author of Romancing the Shadow, says that Jung had in mind that everything which stands in the light casts a shadow. The concept comes from Jung’s dream in which he was carrying a lamp outside, and he was increasing unnerved to the point of desperation with fear of that which crept up behind him – his own shadow. In the end, the shadow for all of us is what we have chosen to repress, including aspects of self which may be instinctual in nature. Shadow work begins with the introspection of step four (personal inventory) and brings dark material into the light in step five.
Fight or flight impulses in school aged children sometime mean the difference in riding on the bus in peace of falling under the wheels of it. At certain times, it is not cool to show fear, weakness, vulnerability (mostly in men) or intelligence, competency, or sensuality (mostly in females.) The phenomenon of girls “dumbing down” is well documented in the literature with an onset around age 8-10. Appearing too smart may be a social disadvantage. Early sexual development, considered an advantage for boys (socially, interaction with adults) is a disadvantage to girls. Layer on top of this a variety of family or social messages, like “Be thin,” “Be nice,” “Don’t cry,” “Hurry up,” “Shut up,” “Don’t tell anyone what goes on in this house,” or “Toughen up,” and you have the makings of some very valuable survival skills that do not serve us as the adults we would like to be.
Dreams sometimes express conflicts between those instincts that kept someone alive in a key dysfunctional relationship but which endure beyond the life of that relationship in an unhealthy way. In the example dream above, the dreamer had suffered significant abuse from an adult at a key point in her life; her problem in part was that she persisted in her rebellion long after her family member got help. Change in viewpoint or change in mode of acting and reacting is appropriate not only for substance users, but for those who grew up in a dysfunctional home or who found an alcoholic partner (ACA and Al-Anon), or for someone who engages in a behavioral addiction or process addiction (for which Overeaters Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous or Sexaholics Anonymous or Gamblers Anonymous might be a solution).
Another way steps six and seven make themselves known is through the Complex. That is the person you cannot stand and can’t say why; the things that go wrong without reason; the stunted relationship or the day everything you pick up seems empty or broken. In the complex lies a secret: something about us has gone awry and keeps replicating itself. It looks like the fault lies with others, but responsibility is closer at hand for the dreamer. A complex is usually a set of circumstances in which a person falls into a familiar and undesirable pattern without being able to see her role in creating the situation, often asking, “How did I wind up her again?”
Here is an example of a person stuck in a victim complex – for good reason, but stuck nonetheless. This dreamer, actually in the same group as our less successful first example, had a series of abusive boyfriends. It would be easy to stop there, but a key dream for her revolved around an image of her journal, which was kept in a safe, in a lingerie store. What could seem more private than that? Looking with courage at her role in the dynamics of her relationships was key in this woman moving forward through her “character defects” into more responsibility for her behavior with transparency and a desire for help. By safeguarding her recovery, and by holding closely what she was learning through journalling and therapy, she did not have to act on impulse. At last contact, she was clean 18 months and active in her recovery program. There’s power in the action of talking things out and writing things out; it keeps these defects of character or distorted thinking from caroming around the mind unchallenged!
[This is a long post. I would not blame you if you decided to glance at the pictures and the poem first. If they interest you, there’s a lot of depth here!]
Clients have a knack for bringing in dreams that appear to comment on where they are in the developmental tasks in recovery. Therapists have a knack for applying their model to what clients bring in, like the old comment about the client who started to dream fluently in Freudian symbolism shortly after beginning psychoanalysis. So it is no mistake that in the Alcohol and Drug treatment world, therapists, including myself, will apply 12 step imagery to what we hear in the dreamtime. And how quick I am, or others may be as well, to seize upon the dreams where a client actually envisions a staircase or a series of steps! Historically, Freudians often go straight to the sex act and wish fulfillment with that. In fact, Freud said of staircases and pianos in the hyperlink above, that “It may be said that there is no class of ideas which cannot be enlisted in the representation of sexual facts and wishes.” In advanced recovery settings, like outpatient clinics and extended care houses, the image of a spiral staircase has surfaced in the dream of more than one client, seeming in context to suggest that the dreamer was winding up in a similar place as before, and on a higher level. For the reader who is not familiar with the language of the first few steps of the Anonymous programs, often covered in primary treatment, I’ll list the first five steps and then provide some dream images from actual clients for discussion.
Disclaimer: Now I am fully aware this topic is often understood differently by detractors of twelve step programs compared to twelve step adherents. I will also suggest even if you are skeptical of the validity of the twelve step approach, it is worth looking at the dreams of clients that may be a response to what they hear in the course of their twelve step recovery eduction. For a compelling and intelligent discussion*, see Charlotte Kasl, Many Roads, One Journey. Kasl adjusts some of the patriarchal language and retains most of the AA concepts in her 16 step program, basically a softer version of the steps for people who have been beaten down enough by addiction and who want something different in recovery than ego-bashing. [*For less intelligent discussions, see impassioned ravings here. Jack Trimpey founded Rational Recovery as an alternative to AA, then became disillusioned with the notion of dependence on mutual help groups in general and disbanded. I also tried finding a current page on http://alternativestoaa.org/ and found it to be a dead link, so maybe those skeptics did not find a better solution after all. However, an excellent decision tree webpost on 12 step vs non-12 step can be found HERE. And Melanie Solomon provides a top ten reading list – or more- of alternatives to AA at this Amazon link.]
Step One: We Admitted we were powerless over (alcohol, narcotics, food, sex, etc) – that our lives had become unmanageable.
The main concepts of step one are powerlessness and unmanagability. A few months ago, an adult male client stated he had for fifteen years had a recurrent dream of being in a fistfight with an unknown assailant who was kicking his ass. “No matter what I tried, I couldn’t fight back. It was like my fists were underwater, my punches were in slow motion.” His use history spanned about twenty years, and at about three weeks clean and sober in a treatment setting, he could envision that the dream was an image for his repetitive inability to fight back against addiction, personified in the dream as a boxing opponent. Let’s be quick to add that people who are not in an addictive process may also have these powerlessness dreams. However, the frequency with which they occur for people in rehab settings is, in my observation, remarkably consistent. While personal variations exist for every dream and dreamer, the most common detox dream I hear is someone who is trying to use but cannot.
One example is a woman, 55, alcoholic. In her dream, she is sitting on the edge of the bed and her bottle is on a dresser a few feet away. She wants to lean over and pour a drink. First, her husband is in the way. Then it is her pastor who comes into the room between her and her drink. She also shares that the two main factors in getting help were familial and spiritual consequences of her addiction. The dream merely speaks in a symbolic language, and talking about it seems to clarify for her the deep motivation she actually has for her recovery.
Other examples abound: A heroin addict is spending what seems like a night’s worth of dreamtime chasing after her dealer, and when she finally scores Roxycontin she cannot light it because the police are around. She sums up her frustration, “it is like I cannot even manage getting high to feed my addiction.” These dreams, when processed bring forth an opportunity for therapists to engage the client around their thinking process before and after the drug seeking sequence in the dream and to explore in real life what supports or tools can be in place to provide the addict with the support she needs to stay clean and sober.
Step Two: Came to Believe that a Power Greater than Ourselves Could Restore us to Sanity
If step one convinces people they are crazy, step two reinstates hope. A “Power Greater than Ourselves” can be any spiritual principle as understood by the addict. A cosmic consciousness. The reliability of Newton’s Laws or gravity. Taoism. Darwinism. Or even the Anonymous poet’s version of “Elmo Prays:”
Elmo prays not because he has faith or
Because he learned about God
At his mother’s knee or at a preacher’s elbow.
Elmo prays because he has tried everything else
Drinking Screwing Running away Working
To take away the pain of being a frightened man
Which is totally unacceptable
Especially to women and most men.
And none of this worked very well
Till Elmo started talking
To someone Somewhere
Who seemed to understand.
Now Elmo prays
Not to Jesus or Buddha
Not to a theological God or philosophical omnipotence
Not to a computerized and selective savior.
Just to someone Somewhere
Who seems to understand
And likes the hell out of Elmo.
So what does a “Step Two” dream look like? Dreams often occur in the 30-90-180 day range which offer the dreamer a choice. These dreams take on many forms, recur in many ways, and sometimes the dreamer fails the lesson and sometimes they pass it. Just like in life, it seems people have an option to act in the way they would have acted before – be it some trifling matter of dishonesty, backbiting someone, or merely acting in one’s self interest in a case where it might serve just as well to think of the thoughts and feelings of others. Or they can extend a bit and try some act that breaks the mold of the past a bit. “Ruth,” aged 26, 4 months clean and sober in an extended care setting, had this dream: “I am walking on a path with another person, a woman I do not know. Ahead of us are two snakes; a brown one and a green one.” That is the entire dream, but the processing through associations led her to talk about her treatment roommate – not doing so well at the time – and herself. The snakes represented choices for Ruth: the green snake being rebirth and regrowth, doing something differently in her life, and the brown snake representing the sere and dried choices she had made in the past.
Step Three: Made a Decision to Turn our Will and our Lives over to the Care of God as we Understood Him
As a recovering alcoholic, It took me three years to notice the word care in the third step. I didn’t feel too badly; it was pointed out to me in a 12 step meeting by a woman who said it took her five years to notice it. For those who grew up with a punitive idea of God (and I consider myself blessed that this was not the case for me, but still,) the notion of a loving and forgiving deity or spirit seems quite foreign. Many people in twelve step recovery can be heard to say, “For me, God works through people.” And I have been privileged to sit with many people who have found for them that God works through images in dreams as well.
A 65 year old woman with more than 45 year history of Benzodiazepene use had a dream about a year and a half ago with a numinous quality while working on step three, that went roughly as follows:
I am on an old bridge with my feet dangling over the water, and I jump in. There is someone in the water, I think it is a woman, holding me up so I won’t drown.
Like most of her dreams, this is a solitary dream set in nature and has a peaceful feeling. She associated that the bridge was like a covered bridge in the country, and that her jumping in the water was in no way an attempt at self-harm. In continuing to work slowly through the associations, the dreamer wanted to jump into the water, into the stream of life, where she found a helper. Helpers to her may be people in real life or more like angels, but it is significant that this dreamer is making the changes that she is and relying on others in faith.
Step Four: Made a Fearless and Searching Moral Inventory of Ourselves
This is a dark step for many people, and it serves well for counselors to remind them it is a moral inventory, not just an immoral inventory. In a dream group this month, one dreamer related a portion of a dream that she was creating a resume, not of work history but instead a listing of qualities that she has which she considers marketable. Seemingly, this is about what an individual person believes is right or wrong for themselves, not the court of public opinion or expectation from others. An example that comes up a lot is “Purse,” which as a dream image in Freudian terms was usually a thinly veiled image for female genitalia. However, in working with people who are trying to better themselves through personal inventory, a purse or wallet may point to values or identity, where one finds out who one really is. A common dream theme is losing a wallet or finding it again, or having it stolen. Here is a dream from a 24 year old woman who presented for treatment for alcoholism and sex and love addiction, with a strong history of picking abusive and unavailable men as partners;
I don’t remember much except my abuser/boyfriend had taken my cell phone, I had a couple of phones that did not work as well and I was trying to call him, then I lost my purse. I was in the mall, and there were department stores, and I was noticing things I wanted. I had to find my purse to call him so he would not be so angry with me. I was asking people, “have you seen my purse?” Then this lady who worked there found my purse and told me where it was.
So this is a case in which the concern is identity.The dreamer here lost her identity and in that, had fear of further physical abuse. The way out for her was working with a woman, and in the association phase the dreamer identified her twelve-step sponsor as her guide in the rediscovery of who she really is.
A different dream in the same setting five years earlier involved a scene in which a woman was at the mall, jealous of her boyfriend with a glamorous rocker-chick, as she called her. Purses in general say a lot about a person to this dreamer, about how people present themselves to others, as well as storing things of value.She saw on the rack blue bags, green bags, and “a white one, a big white one with silver things on the edge and a metal overlap.”This purse caught her eye and stood out above the rest. We worked deeply with this image due to the way it stood out in the dream in terms of timing and position. The dreamer’s associations on white included “purity” and “angel” and “innocent” and to silver was “jewelry, rings, earrings, and money.”Processing this dream gave the dreamer a chance to see what she had given up of value in her relationship, and in herself, out of her own sense of fear of abandonment. All this occurred while she was working on her inventory step with a sponsor.
Step Five: Admitted to God, to Ourselves, and to Another Human Being the Exact Nature of our Wrongs.
Around twenty years ago, this writer heard something like 75 fifth steps in a year and a half. Fifth steps have their roots in the confession aspects of the old Oxford groups and Catholic teachings. In about half the cases I heard, there was a numinous quality, as though a third presence was in the room. In sharing this with a mentor at the time, Dr. Ben Curtis, he stated, “and it probably had nothing to do with anything you did or did not do.” Some dreams also have that numinous quality, perhaps what Jung called a “big dream” with archetypal themes and old stories present. When that presence appears in a dream, it is rarely the patriarchal bearded and robed figure of some Zeus-like deity. We call those nightmares. Some recovering persons dream about their fifth step before (like a rehearsal) or after (like a review). These seem to either address the fear of admitting faults to another person or to solidify the commitment to go forward with the steps. Another former mentor of mine confided in me that he had withheld one secret in his first fifth step, and after a fitful night determined he had to call someone and go through the entire thing again, omitting nothing. He did not relate a specific dream, but more the certainty on awakening that he had to be thorough. He’s been clean and sober over 33 years now.
So in keeping with the spiral staircase motif, these dreams come around again in different forms, and at higher levels of letting go. While some people benefit from working through the dream with someone to help with associations, part of the key here is that the dreamer already has all of these answers within themselves, available to them from the dreaming psyche.
[Note: In gratitude, the writer, Randal Lea, celebrates 28 years of recovery October 18, 2013 within a day or two of posting this article. He credits 12 step recovery, knowledgeable treatment providers, effective counselors and 12 step sponsors, and the God of his understanding. It is also posted in memory of the many people in his acquaintance who did not make it, some of whom were convinced they had a milder or less serious form of addiction.]