“I had a Dream about You Last Night!” To Share, or not to Share?
Some people would avoid this statement, which sounds like the worst of pick-up lines! Truth is, many times it is inappropriate, ill-advised, or just plain wrong to share this information with someone. Yet at other times, bringing forward this information clarifies the dream and benefits both the dreamer and the be-dreamed. Let’s take up the “Don’ts” before we take up the “Do Shares.”
Perhaps your dream was about a subordinate or about a superior. It may even have been a peer, often less dangerous. But when there is a power imbalance, even the best-intentioned sharing of a dream can suggest something on the waking plane that comes to the attention of employment law violations. Sexual content with a superior might suggest, rightly or wrongly, a desire for preferential treatment. A boss who hears a dream with romantic or even non-romantic overtones may question the subordinate’s motives in sharing the dream at best and might suspect gold-digging at worst. Or an unscrupulous boss might think of a way to exploit the dream Sharing with a subordinate might make that person wonder why he or she was the object in a dream, and may result in suspicion or guardedness. Even sharing with a peer, if overtly suggestive or even ambiguous, can create a “hostile work environment” if it is unwelcome.
Don’t # 2: Don’t share dream content that might embarrass the character of the dream.
Actually, I hear this sometimes in the dream group where residents share community. Since they are in a therapeutic process together, this can sometimes come off OK, and sometimes not. The rule, as with most other forms of humor or insight, is that people appreciate when a speaker engages in self-deprecating humor or shares their own corrective epiphany more than humor at the expense of others or hanging out someone else to dry for their behavior. So it is more okay to say “you were in my dream and I did a silly thing,” than it is to say, “you did something silly in my dream last night.” This is just a common sense form of social grace, perhaps, but it is a norm violated with enough frequency that it bears mentioning.
Don’t # 3: Don’t share a dream about a person in front of a group of people.
Even a harmless dream can put someone on the spot if it occurs in front of the water cooler. The object of the dreamer may feel a need to perform, laugh off the dream, and may be more concerned about what others are thinking in the moment. If they were told the dream one on one, then they may have a different, and perhaps less guarded reaction.
Enough restrictions. Now for what to DO. Sharing a dream with a person you dreamed about can deepen the dream experience in a meaningful way. Also, if acknowledges that maybe the dream represents some common meaning or task that you and the person in your dream share. So if your motives are sound, and if the situation falls in one of the following categories, reach out to the person involved, and share the dream as long as if feels safe for all and appropriate in timing.
Do share the Dream # 1: Your Spouse or Partner Appears with you in the Dream
Less so in our contemporary culture, but in many settings the sharing of dreams around the breakfast table has been an accepted and honored occurrence. And if you do not absolutly have to know the traffic report, the weather, or who was on the red carpet last night, dream sharing with your spouse or partner is a person-centered and loving way to start the day whether they joined you in the dream or not. Listening to your partner’s dream is also an act of love regardless of your presence or absence as dramatis personae.
Do share the Dream # 2: The Neglected (or Negligent) Friend
How often do I have a dream of someone that was once a more important part of my life than at this time! My college roommate recently sent me a Holiday card featuring his marriage of six months ago – of which I was unaware. He inhabits my dreams a lot, and what an opportunity that presents to reach out. After all, he and I spoke of sharing a Personal Mythology years before David Feinstein and Stanley Krippner wrote of one. So when one of us appears in the dream of the other, he and I are more likely to be able to help each other in working out the imagery of the dream than one of us might be independent of aid from the other. In fact, a dream about Mark called “Sanctuary” about 20 years ago has been the basis of many recurring dreams I have had dealing with growth and the quest for learning. So the friend can help with the dream, and the dream can help with the friend – by giving you both an entree for reaching out and talking about life, what is happening now, and the fact you miss one another.
Do share the Dream # 3: When Someone’s Health may be an Issue
OK, we have many more dreams that something bad is happening to someone we like and love than actually occurs in real life. I have a dream a relative is dying, has cancer, or is in someway weakened or debilitating. That does not give me clearance to call them up and vomit my morbid fears on them. But maybe it does suggest I call and start a conversation. I do not even have to bring up the dream, unless spontaneity suggests candor is appropriate. In reaching out, the friend may have something to tell me. Maybe my call or visit is an opportunity for that friend to share something on their mind – about me or not, about their health or not. More than 9 times out of ten I do not bring up the dream. But in nearly every case, I appreciate the dream has encouraged me to reach out. It is the connection that counts, and dreams perpetually remind me the subtle, amazing, and sometimes dramatic ways in which we are all connected. For that, I am today truly grateful!
Ao this is a partial list – feel free to post your own “Do’s and Don’ts” in the “Dream Loves a Dream” comment section!